8/50: Decisions.

What would you do

In the darkness thick

When the mind cackles deep and resounding.


What would you do

In the blinding bright

When the beating heart shimmers gold.


Where would you sail

From the sapphire sea

When the horizon leads to nothing.


With whom would you dance

In a blazing romance,

When you need only just to be bold.

andddd… YES I managed to get up at 5am today to workout, though it’s getting terribly hard to sleep and eat well.

Today I had the car and the whole day to go out… no boundaries…Every important component of an outing, except for friends. It really didn’t matter to me anyway, because I’ve gone out alone before. It sounds depressing (especially to my mom), but it really just gives me the chance to do exactly whatever I want.

Frustration for 5 minutes – overtook my mind as I recalled the times where my friends would ask me out in advance, when I was in secondary school. Then I would ask for permission before hand to end up in useless tears. And I would ask and ask all the way until the day of the event.

My mom insisted that they weren’t worth hanging out with. To be sure, my classmates and I had different sort of values…some which I still don’t agree upon…but the point was the experience that I didn’t want to miss out on.

Why didn’t I rebel and fight? Because I already used that ball of energy for my participation in clubs and societies. I joined both the Chinese Orchestra and Wushu (Chinese martial arts). Both of which I had the clear potential of being president.

For all the concern for my studies, my mom stopped me from going for Chinese orchestra activities for 6 months (she wanted me to quit, we negotiated and she spoke to my teacher). Add all the bitter experiences of getting scolded until 2am in the morning after a late night performance/ competition (while my friends were out there celebrating), and frequent callings from my mother before/during/after practice (where I end up in tears)……and you can understand why, my teachers and friends decided that I was better suited to be the conductor instead of the president.

As for Wushu, the board of committees did select me as the club president. But my mom said she didn’t want me to take it because she was afraid someone would pick a fight with me in school.

Also, later I fought to replace our teacher adviser because we suspected that she was stealing our money (we’re talking about 4-figured sums) and she was the meanest ass-holiest, high-pitchiest, most unreasonable, annoyingly loud (till the next block would know what she’s scolding you for kinda loud) teacher adviser. We never got our money back, but we got a new teacher and unfortunately she got her authority over the committee list.

Thanks to the junior who told the new replacement teacher that he didn’t want the position, I got to be vice-president (by majority vote, of course).

High school drama aside, around that same time, my mother and sister were having this huge 1 year-long quarrel (it wasn’t even exactly 1 year……longer) and my mom was asking me every few months what I would do if she divorced my dad. The pain and darkness still resides deep within me.

So one time, after my mother was done crying about how my sister and father had hurt her, I asked my mother when (in her opinion) could I get into a relationship?? She thought about it and said “21 years-old”. I had a 5 year-long crush on this guy in my school, and then I just never spoke to him…because I just never wanted the same thing to happen between my mom and I …I never wanted her to cry because of that anymore, because the memory was so horrible.

Fast forward to now, and what do we have?

  1. A girl who managed to get a merit in Grade 8 piano, prepared for a chinese orchestra concert and get straight A’s for PMR all in one year.
  2. A girl with two books of certs (which she has never used to prove anything of herself)
  3. A girl who got straight A’s her entire life (except for SPM Chinese, because…the only time I took Chinese was for SPM…and I never had a legit class, only tuition…it’s a crazy story with leukemia and shit, tell you next time).
  4. A girl who was looked upon as a nerd, or super-rigid-no-fun-potato. I was miss popular bookstore if anything.
  5. A girl who almost couldn’t go out because she spent a large part of her childhood working for her future, so she didn’t have many friends. (and her mom told her not to go out alone)
  6. A mom who totally denies she ever made me promise not to get into a relationship until 21 years old. I’m still mad, and she still denies it. Grr.
  7. Friends that really understand my situation.
  8. Freedom from the toxic people I didn’t mix with.
  9. Regrets of all the things I didn’t go through…I really wanted to play Maple Story…just for one day….you know……… ahh well, A’s for Asian I guess.
  10. A bit more unnecessary pride from all the experiences that I suffered for.
  11. Greatly skilled at making self and others happy. (Cool tip: When people are talking about their problems, don’t start with how you have it worst…you’ll be the next problem because we’ll be figurin out whata do with ur corpse).
  12. Extra fun for all the fun times I had….because I truly earned it… truly.

But anyway, I ate lunch with some buddies and headed off to 1utama to buy a moisturizer from Aesop, but the price was suffocating my wallet. So I took some samples just to compare the effects again. And I came across my favorite line of stores with my favorite word ‘Sale’ . HAH. It was warehouse, Miss Selfridge, Pull & Bear, TopShop all with varying discounts.

It’s a mirror image…I know, I could have flipped it and then the words will make sense, but I looked good so….OVERRULED.

To be honest, I never buy anything from there (Have you seen the cost of a single dress from Miss Selfridge??? Gods be good). But their brand manager has good taste…and I get an inspiration or two on combinations for my existing wardrobe.

Came back to have dinner with parents, cause both my sisters aren’t around. To be clear, I’m the lucky one cause surprisingly their still 1) married. 2) alive. Nuff said. Went to this place called Little Portobello or something. Main point, saw my friend (you know who you are) with a guy. Them giggles and laughter…so me no disturb…me acts invisible…me wise. Ahhh, but it comes to an age where one must be armed with a significant other or a goddamned good excuse. That’s momentarily bothersome.

Till then though, looking at the couples around me (and hearing their complaints) I think this is a good time to everything that I’ve always wanted to do at my own pace.

Did I tell you that my results for last semester is coming out tomorrow? So in case I don’t see you, Good Afternoon, Good Evening, and Good Night. 🙂




2 thoughts on “8/50: Decisions.

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